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The Hilarious Life of an Amazon and Uber Eats Courier

Finding a job these days can be tough, right? I remember when I first decided to become a delivery driver. I thought, “How hard can it be? Drive around, drop off packages, make some money.” Easy, right? Wrong! I applied to Amazon and Uber Eats thinking it would be a breeze. Turns out, you need a PhD in patience, a master’s in map reading, and a bachelor’s in dodging traffic.

Make deliveries for Amazon, Uber Eats

First, there’s the application process. Amazon’s like, “We need a background check, a driving test, and a blood sample.” I’m like, “Okay, do you need my firstborn too?” Uber Eats, on the other hand, is a bit more laid back. They’re like, “Do you have a car? Great! You’re hired.” They didn’t even ask if I could drive!

Training Day

Training day is a whole other beast. Amazon has this elaborate orientation where they show you videos of happy drivers delivering packages with a smile. I’m like, “Where are these drivers? Because I’ve never seen one smiling.” They give you this handheld device, which is basically a high-tech leash, and send you on your way.

My first day on the job, I get this route that looks like a game of Tetris. Packages everywhere, addresses in every corner of the city. I’m thinking, “How am I supposed to do this?” And then I realize: there’s no way to win, you just have to not lose.

The Realities of the Road

Being on the road is a whole different story. Ever tried finding an address in the middle of nowhere? Or worse, in a gated community with a labyrinth of streets? It’s like being in an escape room, but the only thing you’re escaping from is your sanity.

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You pull up to a gated community and there’s this tiny keypad. You need a code, but the customer hasn’t provided one. So, you call them, and they don’t pick up. Now you’re stuck outside like a creepy ex, just waiting for someone to let you in. And when you finally get in, you have to navigate these winding roads, all while the GPS is screaming at you, “Recalculating!

The Customers

Ah, the customers. They come in all shapes and sizes, but they have one thing in common: they’re always right. Or at least, they think they are. You get the chatty ones, the silent ones, and the downright weird ones.

There was this one lady who insisted on telling me her life story every time I delivered to her. I’m like, “Ma’am, I have 50 more stops to make. Can we save the family drama for next time?” But no, she’s there, pouring her heart out while I’m holding her package, just trying to make my next delivery on time.

The Deliveries

Deliveries can be a mixed bag. Sometimes it’s a simple drop-off, other times it’s a workout. Have you ever tried lugging a 50-pound box up five flights of stairs? Let me tell you, it’s not fun. Especially when the elevator’s out of order.

One time, I had to deliver this massive box. I thought, “How heavy can it be?” Turns out, very heavy. I’m huffing and puffing, dragging this thing up the stairs, and by the time I get to the top, I feel like I’ve just climbed Mount Everest. And the customer? He opens the door and says, “Oh, I thought you’d bring it inside for me.” I’m like, “Buddy, the only thing coming inside right now is my imminent heart attack.

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The Tips (or Lack Thereof)

Let’s talk about tips. You know, those little extra bonuses that show appreciation for a job well done? Yeah, those. Or as I like to call them, unicorns. Because they’re rare, magical, and you almost never see them.

I once delivered a meal to this guy, and he handed me a quarter. A quarter! I’m like, “What am I supposed to do with this? Buy a time machine and go back to when this was worth something?” Meanwhile, my car’s burning more gas than I’m making in tips. It’s a miracle I can afford to drive at all!

The Perks

But hey, it’s not all bad. There are some perks to being a delivery driver. For one, you get to explore the city. I’ve discovered so many hidden gems, like that one donut shop that has the best maple bacon donuts. And you meet some really interesting people, like the guy who collects vintage typewriters. Who knew that was a thing?

There’s this donut shop on the edge of town. I stumbled upon it during one of my deliveries, and now I make sure to swing by whenever I’m in the area. The owner knows me by name and sometimes gives me a free donut. It’s the little things, you know?

The Funny Side

And then there are the funny moments. Like the time I delivered to a guy who answered the door in a full Batman costume. I’m like, “Holy delivery, Batman! Your burrito is here.” Or the time I had to chase down a dog that ran off with a package. I felt like I was in a Looney Tunes cartoon.

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So, I’m delivering this package, right? And out of nowhere, this dog grabs it and bolts. I’m chasing after it, through yards, over fences, and I finally catch up to it. The owner comes out and says, “Oh, don’t mind him, he’s just playing.” I’m like, “Yeah, well, he’s about to play fetch with my sanity.”

Conclusion

So, there you have it, folks. The life of a delivery driver is a mix of comedy, tragedy, and a whole lot of caffeine. But at the end of the day, it’s all worth it. Because for every grumpy customer and every heavy package, there’s a smile, a laugh, and maybe, just maybe, a tip that’s more than a quarter.

Remember, be kind to your delivery drivers. We’re the real heroes, bringing you joy one package and one meal at a time.

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